Do you know your child?

Parental Presence means being involved in your child’s life.

Show interest in your loved ones’ lives, at all ages and stages.

This is vital to building every child’s character. 

DO YOU?–

• Understand your child’s preferences, motivations, wishes and fears?
• Know what’s really going on with him/her in school, at work and at home?
• Ask various types of questions at different times? This shows that you are interested in various aspects of his life, not just what interests you.
• Share examples from your own life and experiences? This models for them how to share their life with others and gives insight into their own history and inner world.
• Give some time to each of your children, of all ages, in order to get to know them better?
• Use various methods to communicate with them? This can be a conversation in person, during a phone call, in written notes left in their room or tefillin bag, through email, and so forth.
• Imagine using these question words: “What?”” How?” “When?” “Where?” These questions are a great way to get more than a pat “Yes” or “No” answer.
• Try to avoid asking these question words: “Who?” “Why”? We are not asking children to speak loshon hara about others, unless your child is in danger.   The question “Why?” can also be rhetorical (they don’t know why they did something) or even threatening (they feel judged).
• Disagree with your children’s feelings and thoughts when s/he expresses them? (ex: “This won’t hurt”). This can be potentially intimidating and prevent them from trusting you next time, when they need you. * Try to be compassionate and commensurate with him/ her, when children express their own fears (ex. “I see that you are scared”). At another point in time, you can discuss these issues, not in the heat of the moment.

These questions are only a guide; a starting point for conversations. You want the children to trust you, appreciate your presence in their life and your availability to be their guide when they need to ask you questions as they get older and want guidance. These questions are not a method to force them to tell you things you want to know, nor is it a  ‘police investigation’. It is also important to ask the following type of questions to your children, upon occasion:

School/ Work

1. What do you like or dislike about school/ work?
2. Do you like your teachers/ co-workers? What do you like about them?
3. What do your teachers like about you? Do they like you?
4. Do you have good friends? How many?
5. Are there any bullies or controlling children in your class? 
6. Does someone call you names? Do they call you “bully” or “melech hakitah”?
7. Does anyone make fun of you or others in the class?
8. Do you like your family name? Your Kehilla or Background?
9. How are your studies? What do you enjoy studying the most?
10. Which subjects are hard for you?

Family

1. What do you think that mom/dad feel towards you?
2. Do we take enough interest in you?
3. Do you have the things that you need?
4. Are there things you would want? Should we make a wish list?
5. Do you like your brothers and sisters? Why/ why not? Do they like you?
6. Are there things you would like to happen in the family? What don’t you like that happens sometimes?

Personal

1. Is there someone you are angry at? Or angry with you?
2. Do you like yourself? What do you like about you?
3. Is there some thing or someone that worries you? Are afraid of?
4. What do you enjoy doing these days? What hobbies do you like?
5. Has anyone ever threatened to hurt you or someone in the family?
6. Is there something that you would like to learn to do? (guitar, cook, sing well, languages, sew, swim, etc.)
7. Do you think you have any problems?
8. What habits or Middos do you have that you would want to change?
9. What would you want people to know about you? Your life? Your family?
10. Is there something you would want to change in the family/school or your social situation? Do you have something to tell the other people in the world? (e.g. about having/ being a Down’s sibling; about living in Israel; about being short or tall; about being an only child; about experiencing antisemitism in the neighborhood).

*Try to avoid disagreeing with what children say when they are expressing their feelings. You may be supportive: “I know that going to the doctor scares you, but we need to go sometimes to stay healthy”. “We are glad that you are happy”, “I love you, even if I don’t say it out loud”, “I want you to have what you need”. “That must be so hard when that happens.”

Adapted from article in Yated Ne’eman, Hebrew edition.