Criticism is Toxic
“NO!” “DON’T!” “WHY DID YOU?”
“HOW COULD YOU?” “STOP IT.” “YOU’RE WRONG”.
Do these words disturb you?
Both children and adults don’t handle criticism or tochacha very well in our generation, even when warranted. When improvements are done through anger and criticisms, it leads to resentment and loss of respect.
Why is this so? Because the world has changed.
- Most people today lack the natural, inner confidence and self-respect to receive rebuke without feeling attacked. Constructive criticism is difficult for many to say in a calm, acceptable manner.
- There is less respect for authority figures than in the past, and in society in general. That includes respect due for parents and teachers.
- Disapproval, because of social norms and “political correctness”, sounds like “hate speech” to some listeners.
- Public government laws are constantly changing. Rules and regulations are a moving target. Laws are no longer “written in stone.”
- Technology has created an option for escape from any uncomfortable feelings, pushing people to busy themselves instead of feeling hurt.
- We are losing the art of providing support through listening and by explaining loving boundaries clearly. Learning reliable techniques will reclaim our heritage of beautiful parenting.
- Connecting and attaching to our children is the surest way of making them feel seen and heard. Giving continual commands or criticisms on a daily basis, makes for a less effective communicator and may sabotage your connection with your children.
You may try:
Changing your tone of voice to softer, lower and slower sounds, instead of quick, accusatory or angry tones.
Ex: “Honey, it’s important because this needs to be taken care of. “
Not: “Just go do it!”
Making use of full sentences: commands are too short and cold.
Ex: “It’s time to brush your teeth. “
Not: “Brush your teeth now.”
Giving them a “way out”: people need to feel that they aren’t “BAD”.
Ex: “Maybe you didn’t realize that this would really break”.
Not: “Why did you break that?”
Focusing on the positive things that they do, rather than triggering negative interactions.
Ex: “You keep your tzitzis very clean.” or ” Your handwriting is very clear”.
Not: “Why aren’t your tzitzis tucked in nicely?'” or “You waste time doing your homework slowly.”
Criticism and AD/HD
Children with AD/HD or defiant personalities are even more sensitive to criticism than the average person. Tantrums, meltdowns, hitting or crying may follow your criticism, which only complicates the situation that the disapproval began with.
Adults who have AD/HD symptoms can also be affected. This means that when you say “NO”, they hear “I hate you” or “You aren’t good enough” or “You’re a bad person.” Often, this is the way they internalize and interpret how the world perceives them. Those who have learning or behavior challenges often cannot change the way they perceive criticism. “NO!” or “DON’T” is seen as intense disapproval. Many AD/HD personalities internalize emotions around them very deeply, feeling triggered and threatened.
People can learn how to protect themselves from the discomfort that they experience by learning new skills. For example, someone who is light-sensitive, is highly uncomfortable in bright light. They can be trained in techniques that will protect their eyes and decrease the discomfort. Similarly, AD/HD personalities can learn to protect themselves by learning sensory skills that help regulate emotions or response to triggers. Many of these self-regulation techniques are incredibly effective. Some can be as easy as eating some protein, or getting more sleep. Others techniques are more personal, like learning to integrate memories of past traumas.
On the other hand, you will have a more meaningful, positive effect on your loved one who has an intense personality, by approaching them in a way that they can hear you. This is crucial if we want our family member to be successful. Listening and asking questions increases peace in our home and helps prioritize Sholem Bayis and better communication.
In addition to the tips above, intense children need more explanations while being given guidance, including:
- More Sensitivity: “I am not angry with you, but I can’t let you do this. It’s not good for you”.
- More Pre-Planning: “You are such a good boy, but you made a mistake. Let’s see how we can plan ahead for next time.”
- Parental Self-Control: “I love you, even though you are angry at me. But you need to get up on time for school.”
Highlighting the good around us and having proper borders to our own emotions allows others to trust us and feel attached to us. Providing both closeness and loving boundaries are a necessity if we want our families members to become resilient, self-aware and compassionate people. Let’s learn how to engage our loved ones into cooperative, respectful relationships.
